Several years ago, a preacher said three words to me that have stayed with me ever since: “You be you.” That's it. Three simple words. No lengthy sermon. No complicated theological explanation. Just permission, or perhaps a challenge, to be exactly who I am.
I've tried to live by those words ever since. I haven't always succeeded. There have been times when I've questioned myself, second-guessed my decisions, or wondered whether I should be a little less willing to question things, a little more agreeable, or a little more like what others expected me to be. But those three words have a way of finding their way back into my thoughts. You be you.
I recently came across a quote by Nikki Banas that reminded me of that conversation. She writes, in part, “No more making yourself smaller to fit in.” She encourages us to stand out, make waves, try things, and stop hiding the best parts of ourselves. Her message ends with a reminder that the world needs our truest and most authentic selves, not a muted version created for everyone else's comfort.
There's something profoundly liberating about that thought. And something profoundly uncomfortable, too.
Because the truth is, we live in a world that claims to celebrate individuality while often punishing people for actually being individuals. We're told to be ourselves, but only as long as who we are doesn't make anyone uncomfortable. We're encouraged to think independently, provided our conclusions line up with those of the people around us. We're told to speak our truth, but we quickly discover that some people only appreciate honesty when it confirms what they already believe.
And nowhere have I seen that contradiction more clearly than in religious circles.
For much of my life, I understood faith through a particular set of beliefs, expectations, and traditions. There were things you were supposed to believe, questions you weren't supposed to ask, and conclusions you were expected to reach. Belonging often seemed to depend less on the condition of your heart and more on how closely your beliefs matched those of the people sitting beside you.
But life has a way of challenging what we think we know. Loss, grief, relationships, experiences, and a willingness to ask difficult questions can change the way we see God, ourselves, and the world around us. At least, that's been true for me.
Over the years, my understanding of faith has changed considerably. I've questioned things I once accepted without hesitation. I've let go of beliefs I once considered essential. And I've discovered that some of the most meaningful growth in my life has come not from finding new answers, but from finally giving myself permission to ask the questions.
That journey hasn't always made everyone comfortable. And I've had to learn that it doesn't have to. One of the greatest freedoms we can experience is realizing that we are not responsible for maintaining someone else's preferred version of us.
Think about that for a moment.
How much of our lives do we spend managing other people's expectations? How often do we soften our opinions, conceal our convictions, suppress our personalities, or remain silent simply because we don't want to disappoint someone? How many people have spent years, even decades, playing a role they never auditioned for?
We become experts at reading the room, adjusting our behavior, and figuring out which parts of ourselves are acceptable in any given setting. Before long, we can become so skilled at being who everyone else wants us to be that we lose sight of who we actually are.
And that's a terrible price to pay for belonging.
Of course, being authentic doesn't mean saying everything that crosses our minds or treating our personal preferences as sacred. It doesn't give us permission to be cruel, arrogant, or dismissive of others. Authenticity without humility can become little more than selfishness dressed up as personal freedom.
Being true to ourselves should never require us to disregard the dignity of someone else.
In fact, I believe the opposite is true. The more comfortable we become with who we are, the less threatened we should feel by people who are different from us. When we no longer need everyone else to think, believe, worship, love, or live exactly as we do, we create room for something beautiful: genuine human connection.
We can disagree without demeaning. We can hold convictions without demanding conformity. We can love people without making our acceptance conditional on their becoming more like us. And perhaps that's one of the most important lessons Jesus modeled.
Jesus didn't seem particularly interested in fitting into the religious expectations of His day. He associated with people others avoided, challenged traditions that placed rules above human dignity, and repeatedly crossed boundaries that respectable religious society insisted should remain in place. He was criticized for the company He kept, the questions He raised, and the people He chose to love.
He didn't change his message to make the religious establishment more comfortable.
And yet, His authenticity wasn't rooted in ego or a need to be different for the sake of being different. It was rooted in love, compassion, mercy, and an unwavering commitment to seeing the humanity in others.
That's the kind of authenticity I want to pursue.
I don't want to be different simply to prove that I can be. I don't want to be contrary just for the satisfaction of stirring the pot, although I must admit that occasionally the pot needs a little stirring. I want my life to reflect what I genuinely believe matters: grace, kindness, curiosity, compassion, integrity, and the conviction that every person possesses inherent worth.
And I want to keep growing.
Because being authentically ourselves doesn't mean remaining the same person forever. We aren't finished products. We are constantly learning, changing, discovering, and sometimes unlearning. The person I am today isn't the person I was twenty years ago, and I sincerely hope the person I become ten years from now will have grown beyond some of the limitations I still carry today.
Authenticity isn't about clinging stubbornly to who we've always been. It's about being honest about who we are becoming.
There's also something worth remembering about the people who truly love us. The relationships that matter most shouldn't require us to continually edit ourselves to remain acceptable. Real love makes room for growth, questions, differences, imperfections, and change. It doesn't demand that we shrink so someone else can feel bigger.
Not everyone will understand your journey. Not everyone will appreciate your personality, agree with your conclusions, or celebrate the person you're becoming. Some may even prefer an earlier version of you, particularly if that version was easier for them to understand or influence.
That's okay.
You can love people without surrendering yourself to their expectations. You can respect their opinions without allowing those opinions to define you. And you can walk your own path without insisting that everyone else follow.
Life is simply too short to spend it auditioning for the approval of people who may never be satisfied.
I think back to when I first heard those three little words and I don't know whether that preacher realized how much they would mean to me or how often I would return to them. But somewhere along the way, I've come to understand them as more than encouragement to embrace my personality.
They are a reminder to live honestly. To question courageously. To love generously. To acknowledge my imperfections without allowing them to define me. To stop apologizing for the parts of myself that don't fit neatly into someone else's expectations. And perhaps most importantly, to extend that same freedom to everyone else.
Because if I deserve the freedom to be authentically myself, so do you. So does the person whose politics I don't understand, whose religious beliefs differ from mine, whose life experiences I can't relate to, or whose journey looks nothing like my own. We don't have to be alike to belong to one another.
So, here's what I would say to anyone who has spent too much of life trying to fit into a mold someone else created: Stop making yourself smaller. Stop hiding the things that make you uniquely you. Keep learning. Keep growing. Be willing to change your mind. Stand up for what matters. Be kind. Be courageous. And don't confuse being accepted with being authentic.
The world already has plenty of people trying to be who they're expected to be. What it needs is more people willing to be who they truly are.
Several years ago, someone gave me three words that helped change the way I approached my life. Today, I'd like to pass them along.
You be you.
And while you're at it, give everyone else the grace to do the same.
Still finding my way….
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