Our Hunger to be Affirmed by Chase Butler
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By Chase Butler
Wedding toasts are normally awkward, funny, or moving. If you can avoid the first and combine the second two, you're doing something right. I went to a wedding recently, and was deeply moved by a simple acknowledgement from a father to a son. "Son, I have never been disappointed in you, and I am so proud of you." Maybe it was just me, but it felt like something shifted in the atmosphere of the room. I'm pretty sure every male there at least had a tear creeping at the edge of their eyes. It was a beautiful moment none of us will forget.
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Wedding toasts are normally awkward, funny, or moving. If you can avoid the first and combine the second two, you're doing something right. I went to a wedding recently, and was deeply moved by a simple acknowledgement from a father to a son.
"Son, I have never been disappointed in you, and I am so proud of you."
Maybe it was just me, but it felt like something shifted in the atmosphere of the room. I'm pretty sure every male there at least had a tear creeping at the edge of their eyes. It was a beautiful moment none of us will forget.
There is no simple father-son relationship. Even the good ones are still complex.
Richard Rohr spoke in an interview about time he spent ministering to men in prison. He said in almost every case, the men there either didn't have a relationship with their father or they had a bad one.
He recounted how grown men would break down and weep, explaining to Richard that it was the first time they ever felt loved or affirmed by another man. Richard referred to the term as father hunger.
I believe the majority of the crime, scandalous politics, oppression, and abuse in this world stems from the problem of growing up in an environment where someone doesn't feel loved, affirmed, encouraged, praised.
And just to be clear, I know great men (and women) who grew up without dads. I'm not saying it's impossible to become a healthy person without a father. I do firmly believe it's much harder, though.
Can you imagine a world where everyone grew up with affirmations like, "I have never been disappointed in you, I am so proud of you...I see you for who you're becoming, not the mistakes you've made."
It would look drastically different. Our prisons would be less occupied, abuse within the home less common, insecurity not as prevalent, manipulation and control barely present...
I love the quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." In this context I read it as, "Speak kindly, for everyone you meet has a deep need to be affirmed and encouraged."
I want to speak to people as if they've never heard an affirming word, to offer encouragement they might never get otherwise, and be a part of ending this hunger that's causing so much of the dysfunction we see in our world.
Chase Butler
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There seems to be a recurring topic that continues to come up in my life—the balance between contentment and goals. Do I appreciate what I have, and am I working towards something meaningful that forces me to grow? An either/or approach never works. On one hand, you lend yourself to apathy and stagnation. On the other, you live under the tyranny of nothing ever being enough, endless striving that costs you something you never intended. I don't pretend to have this figured out. Every once in a while, I sense the alignment between the two within myself, but it's normally a fleeting moment followed by the pendulum tipping back towards one side.
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There are moments when I long for an answer, clarity, inspiration, relief, or hope and receive nothing. Even in earnest seeking, eager anticipation, a proper posture, an open heart, a willing spirit—nothing. Then there are moments when I receive an answer, clarity, inspiration, relief, and hope when I least expect it. Not seeking, not anticipating, yet a glimpse is given. So what to conclude?
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If the idea of selling everything and living out of a backpack on the road sounds like a nightmare instead of a grand adventure, this post might not be for you. If challenging the status quo and questioning societal norms in the pursuit of a full and satisfying life sounds intriguing, then let's continue. The beauty of friendship is that conversations tend to draw out aspects of yourself that otherwise would have been left untouched and dormant, or at the very least overlooked or ignored.
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